Having never been more than eight weeks pregnant before, I have some questions for when I’m super pregnant.
How do I…
- Shave my legs? Or my lady bits?
The woman who waxed me over the summer, during my first pregnancy, said she used a mirror to shave down there. Holy hell.
2. Shop for maternity clothes? Do women do it all online? Do you go to stores?
I hear you buy based on your non-pregnant size and that maternity clothes have come a LONG way. My best friend, who’s definitely not pregnant but is six inches taller than me, gave me some of her clothes. I haven’t tried them on yet. I just got new bras at BraTenders (hello, 34DD). They’re not sexy but they make filling out a sweater a breeze and they’re so comfy.
3. Pick up things you’ve dropped on the floor? Are they gone forever? Do you have someone help you?
I’ve never been a graceful person. I’ve actually been told to use my awkward physicality on stage more often. I already drop everything as a 14ish week pregnant lady. I feel, in a word, doomed.
4. Get to work in Manhattan?
I usually walk to work, less so now that the temperature has dropped below 30 but I generally walk. Taking the subway involves a lot of stairs, which I really feel these days. I still work out but stairs kill me. Do super prego ladies take cabs or do they still walk (if they were generally walkers)? I fear the sweating in Manhattan in July, when I’m due.
5. Deal with insensitive or tactless questions?
Let’s face it. Some people are assholes and even some well-meaning people say shitty things. Hell, I gave my brother’s first born a monogrammed baby blanket. They live in Florida. I was in my twenties and none of my friends had kids. I didn’t even know about baby registries. While I was engaged, I learned that everyone has an opinion and they will share it with no regard for your level of interest, if any. I suspect I will wear noise-cancelling headphones in public.
6. Deal with people touching my stomach?
I can’t believe this is a thing that happens but I’ve heard the horror stories. You’re in the grocery store doing your thing and all of the sudden some old lady you’ve never seen before in your life is touching you. WHAT THE FUCK. Why on earth would you ever want to touch a hormonal pregnant woman? What part of your brain told you that that was okay? I suspect I will go batshit insane on anyone who tries this shit on me.
7. Handle the heat??
This may be an unpopular opinion but screw it: I hate anything over 65 degrees. Hate. I begin sweating and I sweat and smell like a man. I’m wearing Speed Stick Irish Spring antiperspirant deodorant for men RIGHT NOW and it’s barely 30 degrees outside. I pit out my shirts on stage, even in cold comedy clubs. There’s no point in me wearing tight t-shirts, even when I’m not pregnant. How the HELL am I going to handle being eight months pregnant in Manhattan heat?