It’s official. I hate being pregnant.
I haven’t slept a full night in over a month. It’s a quarter to six and I’ve been awake for hours. I’ve watched one episode of Sons of Anarchy, I’ve read all of Facebook. All of it. I’ve caught my husband’s head cold. I’ve spent more time on my couch than in my bed for the last several weeks. I’m making mistakes at work. I may have to tell my bosses that I’m pregnant long before I’m supposed to.
The good news is that the spotting has almost stopped. I hope this means I can have sex and go to the gym again.
This is not the week I can be sick. I have work deadlines. class deadlines, commitments. This is the last week that most people will actually be in the office. But all of that is trumped by the fact that I (hopefully, still) have a small human growing inside of me.
I have another appointment with my OB on Monday. I’m apparently a carrier for deafness. If my husband is as well, the baby could have hearing issues so my hubs is getting bloodwork done on Monday.
We were supposed to look at rescue dogs for adoption yesterday. We were supposed to go see a movie. But I was too tired. I’ve begun to wonder if pregnancy is like being engaged. Being engaged is like a marriage bootcamp. Perhaps pregnancy is much the same. I couldn’t really enjoy being engaged, either, and God knows how much I despised wedding planning. I didn’t want a bridal shower. I don’t want a baby shower. I know women who have lost babies at 4 months, 5 months, 7 months. Even if I liked baby showers, which I don’t, why would someone tempt fate in that way? Would I feel differently if I were 25 and/or my mom was alive (not that she was alive when I was 25)? Maybe. I’ve been to a few meet-the-baby parties and sip n sees. Those make a lot more sense to me. The baby has actually arrived. Celebrate then.
My friends on showers:
“I didn’t want a bridal shower but my mom made me.”
“I told my mom I didn’t want a baby shower. I returned all of the gifts for formula.”
“I never used half of the stuff I registered for. I returned most of it. Amazon is shitty for baby registries. Buy Buy Baby is better.”
“Showers are just awkward.”
I think of the showers I’ve attended. Rooms full of women guessing how big the poor mom-to-be’s stomach was. Some sort of bingo game. No alcohol. No men anywhere. I think of all of the picture frames we received once we got engaged, all of which we returned or donated. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. Where would we put a dozen framed pictures? All of the wedding photos we’ve ordered have been for other people – not us.
Is it so wrong for a woman to buy her own breast pump, nursing bras and car seat? I’m not struggling financially. I have a job. I’m 39. I’d love contributions towards childcare but some people hate giving money, which I’ve never understood. Why spend time and resources on giving people things they don’t actually need?
Those stupid love languages. Giving gifts is supposedly one of them. I’m more of a time spent/physical touch kind of person. I don’t even like to be in the same space as someone when they’re opening a gift for me, so terrified am I that I screwed up and they hate it.
Why am I obsessing about any of this? I’m not even nine weeks pregnant.