On Friday, shortly after I snapped at a coworker (for which I apologized later in the day), I went to the bathroom. Red blood. Light cramping.
I called my doctor’s office. The woman who picked up the phone was kind and had the voice you have when you talk to someone who’s very scared. My doctor was in an exam room but he’d call me.
I ultimately went in for an ultrasound that afternoon. My husband came with me. Everything is progressing fine. I’m right where I should be at 7ish weeks. I heard the heartbeat – 147 – which sounded like galloping horses. I can’t have sex or work out until I stop bleeding. The results of my pap were negative but my HPV is still there and we can’t do a colposcopy while I’m pregnant. The one I had last year suggested that my immune system was fighting the good fight. My doctor is going to confer with the other members of his practice. That’s fucking scary.
What’s really weird is that I saw red blood and my doctor said it was brown. Brown blood isn’t so worrisome but if I get very heavy red blood with severe cramping, I’m in trouble. But normal cramping, like the period that never comes, is totally normal.
Week 12 can’t come soon enough.
What boggles my mind is the way pregnancy is depicted in movies and TV shows. You get pregnant, you tell everyone IMMEDIATELY, it’s great news and you’re definitely going to have a baby. WHAT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT IS THAT? One in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage! Admittedly, that’s less true for say, a high school girl, who’s pregnant at the most fertile time of her life but STILL. Getting pregnant does not equal instant happiness and joy and a definitive baby in nine months. As my hubs and I go through this, I can’t help but wonder: HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS MORE THAN ONCE? If I have a kid, it will be a special magical miracle and I will cherish it and love it ridiculously and I will be so grateful for it that it would never occur to me to ask God for another one.
My doctor handed me a printout of the ultrasound.
“Who do you think it looks like?” my doctor joked. “I think it looks like your husband.”