So this is what’s inside of me at exactly six weeks (last Wednesday). This sesame seed-sized thing had a heartbeat. I’m still spotting just a little about twice a day. And I’m scared. I’m not sleeping well, generally waking up around 3am, going to the couch and reading until I fall asleep again and then waking a before 7am. I struggle at work and have made mistakes. If it gets much worse, I may have to tell them. My annual review is the week of 12/14. I honestly am not sure how it’s going to go. On my self-assessment form, there was an opportunity to let folks know if there are non-work activities or commitments of which I’d like to make the Firm aware. I’m not ready to put that in writing. I miscarried in August and I’m now a bit over seven weeks pregnant. I have two male bosses. I just don’t know. But I am decidedly “off.” I wonder if I should tell people just to justify my behavior.
We’ve told very few people. And I feel bad because some folks are VERY EXCITED for us, as though they’ve forgotten we had a miscarriage. We have to explain that we HAVE to stay neutral. I cannot be heartbroken like that again. I just can’t. If this pregnancy progresses, I will still have so many more weeks (at least another nine) and tests to go. As I sit here, my abdomen and back hurt. I’m exhausted. How can I possibly be happy right now? Don’t congratulate us. Pray for us. Keep your fingers crossed for us. Maybe the second time is a charm but for now it’s a waiting game.